Beauty From Ashes Learning To Deal With Death And Loss Can Be Overwhelming
(Real Life Story)
I was always the girl who loved life and everything about it. The girl who always smiles and laughed. The girl who everyone came to for help. The girl who would load all the kids up from family and friends and take them to the park or ghattitown. Then one day a week before my B-Day, my life started changing, my best friend died. She was always my go-to person. More like a sister than a friend. About 2 months after she died I had my first full blown panic attack while driving with my daughter. Thought I was having a heart attack. It was awful. I started having anxiety here and there.
Life Changed Forever
The following year I was living with the guy I had been dating. I was helping raise his daughter. Her mom died the same year as my friend. Then tragedy hit our home. I was at work and got a call from his daughter begging me to come home. Her dad had raped her. My world flipped upside down in seconds and was like I was in a whirlpool. I flew home to get to the girl I was raising the one I called mine since she had no-one. I was to protect her I was to be there. Were there signs? I noticed major changes and I questioned her and she always claimed she was missing her mom. It was coming upon a year of her dying. After being at the police station all night and a few days later she got taken from me because I wasn’t blood-related I crumbled. I wasn’t to have contact with her because of the foster parents. Her sneaking and calling me brightened those days.
Losing Someone Hurts
Fast forward to a week after my birthday in 2010 my nanny passed away. Was found on the kitchen floor. I took control of everything because my mom and her siblings were too devastated. I had control of my anxiety from that day on. Well until October 17, 2010. My mom called happy as can be because the girl I told you about going into foster care had called her wanting to talk to my daughter. I was at work, the same place as when I got the awful phone call a year before. Mom was so happy and said as soon as my daughter got there she would have her call. At 12:03 my mom said “love you, talk to you later” I replied “OK love you too” at 12:09 my phone rings and it’s my cousin’s number who lived next door. My daughter was on the phone with what I thought was laughter but it was hysterical crying. She said “mommy, mamaw won’t wake up” she walked into the house to find my mom dead at the kitchen table. I honestly don’t remember or know how I drove home that day. I just know another part of me died that day.
Anxiety Doesn’t Stop Or Does it
A Few weeks later is when my anxiety came full force. Was taken to the hospital several times because I thought I was dying, had nurses make me cry making me feel stupid, In my mind, I was at my end. I became so terrified of dying. Terrified of doing anything. After a year of suffering, I closed myself off to the world. I didn’t come out of the house, stopped going places, terrified to drive anywhere. Every time I went to Dr or anything I was in complete fear of something bad going to happen.
I Finally got tired of living that way and got help. Was doing great. Started working again, living life again. Got to the point where I could go without my anxiety meds so Dr pulled me off. Everything was good. Had a little anxiety here and there.
Then in 2013, I rushed my dad to the hospital with what thought was stroke and he had severe bleeding in the brain from a fall 2 months prior. Which Dr’s had said was just a concussion. Had to have emergency brain surgery with only 20% chance of surviving. He survived doing well. Lost his dad a few months later. Again I took to control my anxiety I was in control on.
Fast forward to may of 2015. I had a severe panic attack out of nowhere. Then 10 mins later got a call, my uncle found my dad inside of the road having a heart attack. He died twice at the hospital. Had massive heart attack they stabilized him and transferred him to another hospital for surgery. He survived, only to come home and have another one. Thankfully survived that. Doctors say they don’t know how.
That is when my anxiety and panic attacks came back full force. I’m in constant fear of losing him. He had a defibrillator put in that year. Everything had been going great. I got my anxiety back under control.
Then this past September as we were sitting outside talking my dad just falls over going into convulsions and stops breathing. Then wakes up like nothing ever happened. His heart had stopped what I thought were convulsions was his defibrillator working.
Since that day I have been in complete anxiety. Daily.. Wakes me up in middle of the night having an attack. Found out I have a type of skin cancer, but my worries are focused on my dad.
This past week I have been to the hospital 2 times with severe panic attack and they say it’s because of the news we just got on my dad. His EKG was bad at the doctor the other day so another surgery is in the future and he has hemorrhages behind both eyes. I’m trying my best to figure out how to beat this anxiety again. I know I have done of before.
In conclusion, I know I’m not alone in this. Reading others stories about having the same issues I have, helps me. I want my life back, I want my happy back.
…her Real Story
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